The Dirty Book Girls: Wallbanger by Alice Clayton

5 Banging Stars

Two questions I asked myself while reading Wallbanger by Alice Clayton:

1.) Why in the tar nation did I wait so long to read this?

2.) Where can I find a Simon "Wallbanger" Parker? Seriously!!

Holy fuckin' marmalade!!! This book had me laughing & giggling until my sides hurt. I once again bang my head against any hard surface I come across and chide myself for not reading this a lot sooner.

Caroline

She is a brilliant Interior Designer who has great, amazing and hilarious friends, Mimi & Sophia. A hilarious as sin cat, Clive. An awesome boss, Jillian who owns Jillians Designs. A brand spanking new KitchenAid Mixer,

Running my hands over it, splaying my fingers to feel the smooth lines, I delighted in the cold metal against my skin, I sighed gently and actually hugged it.

"Do you two want to be alone?" Sophia asked.

"No, it's okay. I want you to be here to witness our love. Besides, this is the only mechanical instrument that will likely bring me any pleasure in the near future."

a missing big O (and ladies...we are not talking about Oprah) 'Tis a sad, sad day when a girl doesn't even know her own orgasm. and a fantastic apartment with one annoying, wallbanging, sex-enthusiast neighbor.

Caroline and her friends nickname for him is "Wallbanger", which suits him since he is constantly banging his bed against the wall, keeping her up at night. The first night this happened, she nicknamed the girl he was with "Spanx" due to some ummm spanking going on that she could hear. The second night, he was with a different girl whom she nicknamed "Purina" because <insert laughter> the girl likes to....meow. Which had Clive going bonkers trying to get through the wall to be with the meower on the other side. The third girl was given "Giggler" due to her constant giggling during the sexy time.

Simon

*I whisper silenty "Drop the towel. Drop the mutha fuckin' towel!!" as my Lower Crystal pants loudly*

He is a handsome son-of-a-gun successful Freelance Photographer who travels quite a bit for work. He keeps our sweet, loving and funny Caroline up at night with the constant thump "Oh Yes!" thump thump "Oh Simon...yes...yes...yes" action against her wall with his "harem". One night he is comfronted by his neighbor who was wearing nothing but a pink nightie in which he nicknamed her "Pink Nightie Girl" and told his friends about her.

One night while at a party they bump into each other and the exchange was priceless.

The first thing I saw was blue. Blue sweater, blue eyes. Blue. Beautifully blue. Then I saw red as I recognized who belonged to the blue.

"Fucking Wallbanger," I hissed, frozen on the spot.

His grin slid off as well as he played place-the-face for a moment.

"Fucking Pink Nightie Girl," he finally concluded. He grimaced.

Simon & Caroline

By the end of the night of the party, they both agreed on a truce. Simon would make sure that his late night activities would happen not so late and that they would be friends. *While reading and seeing their friendship grow, the movie What's Your Number kept popping up in my head and I was like "Yes! Yes!Yes!" I love Ana Farris but I see Jennifer Lawrence more as Caroline-and no it's not because she is becoming such a huge star, or because she is a Golden Globe winner and an Oscar winner but because her personality fuckin' ROCKS!!!*

I love how Caroline and Simon interact with each other when they meet in the hallways and through their text messages.

You done with work?
Yep, at home waiting for you.
Now that's a nice visual...
Prepare yourself, I'm taking bread out of the oven.
Don't tease me woman...zucchini?
Cranberry orange. Mmmm...
No woman has ever done breakfast bread foreplay the way you do.
Ha! When you coming?
Can't. Drive. Straight.
Can we have one conversation when you're not twelve?
Sorry, I'll be there in 30
Perfect, that will give me time to frost my buns.
Pardon me?
Oh, didn't I tell you? I also made cinnamon rolls.
Be there in 25.

And.....

Just trying to get a visual of you on the beach in Spain…
How's that working out for you?
Pretty spiffy.
Spiffy? Did you just say spiffy?
I typed it actually. You got something against spiffy?

You can feel the sparks fly between them but they don't act on them, which can be frustrating at times buuuttt I'm glad that they didn't act upon them right away. I enjoyed the build up between these two characters and they have become one of my favorite fictional couples but I must say that my favorite character from this story is hands down.....

Clive

I looked down at Clive, whose tail was at full puff. He arched his back and paced back and forth at the foor of the bed.

"Hey, mister. It's cool. We just got a noisy neighbor, that's all," I soothed, stretching my hand out to him. That's when I heard it.

"Meow."

I cocked my head sideways, listening more intently. I studied Clive, who looked back as if to say, "Tweren't me."

"Meow! Oh God. Me-yow!"

The girl next door was meowing........

I tried to get a hold of Clive and calm him down. No luck. He was neutered but he was still a boy, and he wanted what was on the other side of that wall.

*****

I would swear, on a stack of Bibles in a court of actual law, that I heard my cat speak.

"Porrrrreeeeennnnnya," Clive said, and I whirled about..............

"Nooooooooo!" I cried as I saw a look of panic cross Purina's face and a look of pure lust across Clive's as he prepared to woo.......

Clive was strutting. Strutting back and forth in front of her, giving it his all. he turned like he was on a runway, pacing along a line on the floor and glancing at her nonchalantly.

If Clive could wear a blazer, he would have taken it off, draped it casually over his kitty shoulder, and pointed at her.

All I can say is that I hope Clive get's his own story because seriously...how f'n cute and awesome AND hilarious would that be?

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